I tried working through the nausea. We told all the staff at the first staff meeting back at school. I worked on Tuesday, but was exhausted and stayed home n Wednesday. I worked on Thursday but was exhausted and stayed home on Friday. Well, I came to school, but ended up crying in the Principal's office instead. I was slipping on my teaching duties big time. I couldn't give these students what they needed from me. I couldn't live up to the expectations from management. I couldn't get through a whole teaching day without a nap. I couldn't do it!

I think if I just threw up in the morning and could get through the day, I'd be ok. But this nausea is a complete killer!! The past 2 days since, staying at home, have been much improved. Even though I'm still tired, still NAUSEATED, I can rest in bed all day with no stressors on me. The principal was SOOO understanding and kind about it, which really helped with the decision to stay home.

It's very hard to be excited about Sprout when I feel so crappy. But I am excited. It's just buried deep down beneath the nausea ;). We're not going to find about Sprout's sex. We have a short list of favourite boys and girls names, but they're all top secret to avoid the dreaded unasked-for opinion and judgements concerning our choice of name :P

I'm worried that I'll end up miscarrying. Or something will go wrong somewhere down the line. But as there's nothing I can do about it, it's been quite easy to turn these worries into prayers. God is in charge, no matter what the outcome! The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may the Lord's name be praised!

I think that's the last of these stories for now. But I'll keep updating as things progress :)

Oh, and the antiemetic, Zofran is DA BOMB!! It's been linked to <a href=http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23064917>cleft palate</a>, so I'm not taking them every day, all the time. But I visited the midwife today and needed something so I could exit the house. Only when required. It's pretty damn effective though!! I have another antiemetic, but it's quite pathetic!

So anyway, that Sunday I called a few of my closest friends to let them know the news. We had a couple over for dinner that night that we were driving to Broome. They were flying out to Perth, but James and I were spending a couple of nights there for relaxing purposes. So we let them know too. Although the news wasn't Public, I was happy to let people know. That was if Something Happened, I would have some people in the know to provide support in the fallout.

We drove to Broome, had a nice time relaxing. Really just letting it sink in a bit. Talking about names, about travel plans for the end of the year, about anything. It was really nice to chill out away from home and everyone else. As I thought about it and read a couple of books, a few of them were all "find a good obstetrcian" and I was like 'in Halls Creek!? You gotta be kidding me!' So I called my friend Karen, who's had 2 children whilst living in remote towns in the Kimberley, and she gave me the benefit of her experience. I needed a doctor's appointment, then the community midwife would take care of me for the rest of it.

So then when we returned, I got a doctor's appointment and it was confirmed. James called his parents who were more happy than he thought they'd be (but quite unsurprisingly to me). He was planning to tell them the next time they had one of their routine phone calls. I tried to encourage him to make that routine phone call sooner rather than later because news like this isn't something you just chuck in there: "oh yes, the chickens are doing well, had a lovely time in Broome, by the way, Kathryn's pregnant..."

Then, by about the Thursday of the 2nd week of holidays, the nausea started.

dun dun DUUUUUN!!!

Hello blogosphere!

So I've been meaning to record these things for a few weeks now. So here are some stories!!

Sunday the 28th of April was on the first weekend of the school holidays. The term had been along one, I was quite tired by the end of it, PLUS, I'd just been on a school camp that, although it went quite well for the most part, ended on a bad note. I was beyond exhausted, emotionally drained and a bit of a wreck. My period was due on that Friday. Saturday was spent curled up in bed recovering. Sunday was church and throughout the service I started thinking that my period was late, but I probably wasn't pregnant and I shouldn't get up my hopes *safeguarding my mind*. So soon after church, I took a test. As I was sitting there, it came up positive. But I knew I wasn't really pregnant! Why would the test LIE to me!? What a cruel thing to do! I've had a shocker of an end to the week, I'm tired and sick of being tricked, what a mean, horrible thing to do to LIE to me over something as important as this *cue crying*. I showed James the test who thought it was negative (because I was crying) and was more confused when I said it was positive.

I rushed to the shops to get a different test before the shops shut. Then I called Mum. But Mum wasn't at home in Carnarvon, she was staying in Perth and her mobile was off. What do I do? Who can help? I called my friend Angela, who has the amazing ability of remaining calm in the face of a a positive pregnancy test, and has the secondary amazing gift of knowing Exactly What To Say. So she gave me some good advice and helped me to calm down. But given I so rarely call ANYONE, she answered the phone all excited and already *knew* what I was calling about, God bless her!

So I took the second test later that afternoon and it was positive too. And maybe, just maybe, it was actually true. Maybe there was a teeny tiny life growing in me. Maybe I was actually, finally, after lots of trying and hoping and failing, pregnant.

Mum finally called back at 11:30pm, when we were fast asleep in bed, super concerned and eager to put her mind at ease. In a very drowsy state (my aim was the finish the call and go back to sleep asap) I informed her of being pregnant. She was So. Excited. I don't know if she slept that night. But after chuckling at Mum's enthusiasm, I drifted back off.

So I've decided to make this a blog post for several reasons. (1) I want people to know about this. (2) It's not a secret and I don't like feeling like this is a secret. (3) In sharing this, I hope that relationships will be deepened and there'll be greater understanding and sensitivity.

I've delayed blogging/posting on FB/telling people in person for several reasons. (1) I do not want advice. (2) I do not want platitudes. (3) I do not want anything except sympathy on this topic. Then talk to me about other things in life, I'm still Kat. I didn't tell my Bible study group because I was afraid of hearing things like "God grants us the desires of our hearts", "just relax about it, it'll happen in God's timing", etc. GRRR!!!

So here it is: James and I have been trying to conceive for about 9 months, unsuccessfully.

For those who don't know, this is how a typical cycle looks like. I get my period, we wait for about a week then start trying, then we wait for about 2 weeks, then I get my period again. This is what it feels like. We start trying and that's good and fun. Then we start waiting. I notice that something about my body is ever-so-slightly different and wonder if it's because there's now a baby in my uterus. But no! Don't start hoping, self. It probably won't happen. But it might! But it probably won't. But it might! For 2 weeks. Then my period is late by a day, or I've miscalculated when it'll start and things are a little more hopeful/exciting. Then I get my period. I'm a little disappointed but hopeful for the next cycle.

But that slightly sad yet hopeful conclusion changed one day about 6 weeks ago. A very awesome friend announced her pregnancy and my reaction was off the planet!! I was weepy and depressed for about a week from it. I hated being intimate with James and it was affecting my teaching at school too.

We decided to take a cycle off from trying. And that was really good. Then I got offered a classroom teaching position for next year and we've decided to stop trying until April to (1) give me a break from trying to conceive and (2) be able to finish out the school year in case I do fall pregnant.

I thought I was coping all well and good with not being pregnant, but yesterday at church I spontaneously burst into tears without warning! I was a bit embarrassed about it. Anyway, I don't like the idea of waiting to tell people after 3 months that you're pregnant. The reason people wait is in case they miscarry, as the risk is highest in that time. I don't like that waiting-to-tell-idea because I'd like people to rejoice with me, and mourn with me. How can people mourn with me if they don't know anything, or that I was pregnant in the first place? All this leads to: when do you tell people you're having trouble conceiving? When is the natural time to bring that stuff up? I don't know, and I'm sick of feeling like it's a secret. So here it is: we're having trouble conceiving.

We've both had preliminary tests for this stuff and nothing had shown up. When we return to Halls Creek next year, I'll get the doctor to take a week's worth of blood samples that should show up ovulation hormones, or lack thereof, and we'll take it from there.

The baby wave is starting amongst friends of mine. There have been 4 announcements in 2 months on facebook. Each time I feel a little sad that it isn't me. I am happy for them and I wish them all the best, but it is still hard for me. I don't want to be the kind of person who hides friends on facebook to avoid their happy news because I'm trying out self-preservation tactics. Or blocking their baby-related pinterest board for triggers. Yet, that is what I'm doing. I love you, friends. But I need to not cry all the time.

If anyone feels like they want to make life easier for me, this is what I'd appreciate: Please tell me if you're trying to conceive. When I hear happy news from you, it won't be a shock. Furthermore, I would have been praying and hoping for you and be emotionally on board with your pregnancy. And I think also, I won't feel so isolated. A friend's sister has been trying for a while now, and even though I'm not close with her, I am hoping and praying and anticipating her one day, maybe, finally, falling pregnant. I feel like we're in the same boat and I'm actually glad there's one other person in the whole world struggling with this as I am.

So there it all is. There are a couple of articles I've read that've been super helpful and I would appeciate if you read the before commenting:
What NOT to say to someone struggling with infertility
What can I say to people who tell me I'll get pregnant if I "just relax?"
The Infertility tag on Offbeatfamilies which has a variety of articles on the topic for further reading.

This is a brief update because I'm doing my tax and feel guilty for even posting this. But I was reading my friends page for the first time in a LONG time and felt compelled to provide you mob with an excuse for not posting.

1. Full time work is hard, y'all!
2. I've been writing letters home to my nearest and dearest. This has replaced blogging AND RL journalling.
3. Most of my internet time has been on the tablet and the LJ app is pretty terrible. I very much dislike writing entries on it and reading your entries. Mostly because I can't comment to the entries and then I'm annoyed at LJ+tablet to continue any further.

I've been keeping tabs on those of you with FB and that's pretty awesome. But I'd like to read/blog more often than I am. Writing letter is a greater priority for me though. eing so isolated in Halls Creek means that I'm even more keen to hold on to dear friendships in Perth.

And BTW, if you'd like to be penpals with me, my postal address is PO Box 117, Halls Creek, WA, 6770. It's the school address as Australia Post doesn't deliver mail up here and we can't be bothered getting a PO box for ourselves. We're away during the holidays anyway, so we don't need access to mail then. And if we are in town during the holidays, we can as the AP staff to put aside our mail for us. I really love sending and receiving letters and would certainly love to write some more!

Things I am thankful for today:
Getting science reports done for TWO classes.
Getting better at doing the reports and faster.
That Bible study tonight is on Phil 3:1-11. Great passage!
That God has held back my sick-ness so that I can work hard.
That despite how well or bad my day has gone, God remains.
That a couple of teachers have said nice things about my teaching practice.
For rest.
For the new toilet in our house. It got put in today while we were at school. It looks like it'll flush nicely (the old one didn't).

I am looking forward to Rest.

Today I am thankful for this song. In the midst of feeling sad and confused about faith, it has been a big encouragement.
I am thankful that James can play it on his guitar and we can sing it together.
I am thankful for the rest I've gotten today despite feeling really bad. James has been keen to see me rest and I'm thankful for his support.
I'm thankful that I've been encouraged today despite missing out on church.
I'm thankful for the kitten we've been taking care of. She's so cute.
I'm thankful for what God has done for me through Jesus.
I'm thankful that that's objective. No matter how I feel. I can trust that.

I am sad. The start of term started off well. But now I am sad.

Thing #1 that's made me sad this week: Teaching.
I've been sick and had lots of time off because of it. One of the deputies spoke to me on Thursday to suggest ways to be a team player and help out those teachers who had to work harder in my absence. That's all good and fine, except that when they're sick, I'll assume I'll pick up their slack then. I already have picked up slack from other teachers, just not *those* particular teachers who picked up my slack. So that feels stressful on top of everything else I'm trying to juggle. My job isn't the busiest, hardest, most difficult. But it's hard for me. And I'm trying really hard to be good at it and on the ball.

Reports are due next week and I have to write a comment for every student I take for science. I wasn't sure whether I was meant to be writing a comment or not (or just assigning a grade). The teachers weren't sure. One of the deupties wasn't sure. I asked another deputy and they didn't know either. The kicker though was when they told me HOW to ask someone else. I should ask like a team player and not like I'm trying to get out of writing comments. I was a bit taken aback by that. I thought I was asking in a casually professional manner, leaving it open either way. So I apologised for coming across as unprofessional and they responded saying that I HADN'T but I should still make sure I don't. Anyway, this advice just leaves me confused. Why give me this advice if I'm already doing it properly?

So work is making me sad and stressed. I'm trying really hard to do this well, but all the feedback I've gotten from the leadership is that I'm not doing it well enough. Which makes me more stressed. On top of reports. And everything else I'm still trying to get a hang of.

Thing #2 that's made me sad this week: Bible study.
Recently in Bible study, things have come up that are a difference between myself and the other Christians. These discussion have made me sad. I'm trying to see what I can learn from them and how my life might be lacking. But when I did that, I started questioning the foundation on my faith. Do I really have a spiritual journey that I'm on? Am I actually seeking a relationship with God?

The fact of the matter is that I AM! I just don't use that kind of language. I really don't care for phrasing things that way. But talking that way all the time, feeling like no one is on my wavelength, not being understood is alienating. I really don't want to continue actually. But I know that's a dud idea too.

Other things:
- There was a Sunday School meeting today that no one turned up for.
+ I made a lemon tea cake for the meeting and it's yummy.
+ Being in our house is nice. We've gotten jobs done and I'm feeling better and better about each day. I was grumpy about the mess, but now I am happy for the organisation taking place.
- Being sad about Bible study has made me thankful for what I know/have. I'm relying on God more than the fellowship there. Which is a double edged sword.
- Today I woke up sick. AGAIN. I think it's because of all this stress.
+ We are taking care of a kitten and she's SO cute
+ Attius will be with us again soon. Possibly in 10ih days.
+ We have a routine at home these days, and that's very nice

I'm thinking of doing a short post every day on the topic of "something that makes me thankful today". So today I'm thankful for:
Cake. Tidy house. Kittens. James. Routine.
Jesus bearing my sin. Hope in the Gospel. Belonging to Him.

So, my being sick of being sick and going to school anyway hasn't quite worked out the way I'd hoped. I was hoping that I could get by feeling only 4-7/10 in health and energy, which I did on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was were it feel down though. I've been sleeping really badly! Most nights I wake up, role over and go back t sleep, all under a minute. These nights I'm waking up, rolling over and staying awake because "oh the pain! My head! My nose! I can't breathe! My throat is dry! My mouth is dry and hurts!" So that sucks.

On Wednesday I had some NAPLAN supervision (which is super easy and quite nice for sick-me) and then I took a colleague's recess duty which is where things started going wrong. My head was hurting, my eyes were hurting, my throat was hurting from yelling at kids, "stop running! Walk! Don't bounce that ball here, go there!" etc. My cycle started that morning, so I was concerned about that and crampy AND it also meant I'm not pregnant, which made me sad. So after recess I had DOTT, I had a little lay down on one of the couches in the staffroom. Two staff members were a bit concerned. One came up to talk to me and the other went to speak to one of the deputies.

The second staff member came back and said the deputy said to go home. I was all "you liar, lol! I'm fine, I just need to rest". But then the deputy came in and had a chat with me about how I need to go home and rest up until I'm healthy again because I'll burn out at this rate. So then he drove me to the hospital, I got a medical certificate and walked myself home. And here I am the next day, still pretty sick.

My head is so sore! It's not just a headache, but my sinuses (of all things) are sore. I'm still sleeping quite badly. I feel badly about being sent home from work. I also feel bad about staying home when everyone else is working hard. I guess I feel that I have a lot to prove: I am a hard worker! I care about teaching these kids too! I care about reports and home visits and reading abilities and all this other stuff that I can do and act and feel when I'm at work. I guess on top of all this sickness, I also feel bad because I perceive that I'm letting people down. Being sent hoe by the deputy was a bit of a godsend because it took some of the pressure off me. Like, I hating making a judgement call about being too sick to work. I can always justify working even when I feel so bad (which I did Mon-Wed this week). Having a deputy make that call for me means it's ok that I went home. And I suppose I'll stay home until all this clears up.

I'm sick of being sick :(