I've been doing some theology reading this afternoon because I'm bored. However, my reading has been material published on the great old internet and it's rather depressing actually. There are so many different points of view and it drives me batty. Why can't we all agree? But the moment I type that, would I be prepared to recant a bunch of my theological positions? Some, but there are a bunch that I cherish. Not because I find pride in holding those positions, but because they are clear to me in the Bible and they bring peace and comfort. Like Calvinism: how great is it that God is sovereign over everything!?

Every now and then I will stick my head out of my conservative huddle, dip my toes in the water of [insert varying theological position], then draw it back quickly again. This probably is not a good thing. [huddles anyway].

Things with James have been good. I know it's only been a couple of days, but I'm glad I changed my mind. :) I pray things continue to go well.

...that is all, back to your places!

We're dating. I'm glad of this.

Pretty much all the advice I heard today was unanimous. I was pursuaded. And I really like him, so... I desire so much to act wisely and I think it was good to be cautious and seek advice. And I'm glad of what's come of it. I pray that this works out.

And even if it doesn't, I'm not so very scared anymore. Which is a very good thing. Hopefully, I will refrain from being limpet-like and will remember to trust God in this. He is working all things for the good of those who love Him.

Hey Mark and Spally!! Wanna meet up for breakfast/lunch/dinner/whatever in Sydney when I'm over in about a month??

Yesterday was my most sick day of all. There was the possibility of surfing in the afternoon, so I took myself off to uni in the morning to type up my notes that I'm allowed to take into my exam. It was a real mental struggle though. Surfing didn't happen, but I'm kinda really glad for that as I spent the afternoon watching DVDs, trying to nap, photo editing, reading... things that involve sitting or lying down. I woke up at about 7:30 this morning and still feel a bit off, but with more energy than yesterday.

I don't like being sick at all.

Being sick without family. When I lived at home and was sick, Mum took care of me. She made me dinner and made sure the house was still tidy and so forth. I didn't have to worry about the logistics of living.

Being sick without family means being sick without company. Because Dad's a minister, if he's not out doing pastoral things, then he's at home working on his sermon and doesn't mind being interrupted for chats during the day. Thus, company.

Being sick impairs my judgment. If I'm going to take things the wrong way, I will. If there's a depressing way to look at things, I'll see it. I HATE being sick because I end up feeling sorry for myself and like no one likes me and everyone's just putting up with me. I have these insecurities anyway, but when I'm healthy I can push them aside as the lies they are. But when I'm sick, they come to the front of my head and reign there. Which SUCKS!!

I could insert some kind of self loathing, self hating, whining spiel here and I'm SOO tempted. But I don't think writing about my insecurities will help me get over them. Also, I think my motivation for posting it has more to do with fishing for compliments and inviting people to say nice things about me - which is rather egotistical when you get right down to it. So let's just leave it at: I want to post about how I feel lonely and crappy, but I won't. But I feel it!!

I should clarify. So far, I've posted: this is why I don't like being sick. What I haven't posted is: I'm so ugly, obnoxious... blah blah blah etc.

---

In completely different news, I've been listening to Desiring God on audiobook by John Piper and it's very good. I've been learning to delight myself in God, to rejoice in him. My Christian walk has been much spurred on by it. It seems to ring of much truth, that as a Christian, my joy and desire is found in God and in relating to him. So often, my heart wants to run after relationships with people to fulfill me and I know in my head that this is not right, that people will disappoint. It is nice to know that this desire for someone else to bring me fullness, wholeness, love, joy, hope, peace... everything I've desired in an Earthly relationship, can actually be found in God. And I've been learning that too. Still need to work on how I relate to people now, and working on my expectations and so forth. But learning to desire God is such a good thing.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
to him who walks besides
who floods my weaknesses with strength
and causes fear to fly
whose every promise is enough
for every step I take
sustaining me with arms of love
and crowning me with grace.

Edit at 12:05pm I'm feeling much better physically after showering and going out. And I feel SO much better emotionally after church. I love my church! <3

Tags: christian, church, god, illness

I'm still a bit sick, but it's mostly throaty. I went to the doctor's on Tuesday. It took him a whole 2 minutes to conclude it was a viral infection that has now passed and now I just need to wait out the sore throat getting better in its own time. I think he felt awkward that I was getting charged $60 just for him to tell me that, so he sai, "anything else wrong?" and proceeded to check out some moles in case they were exhibiting signs of melanoma. Which they weren't. But it was amusing. Nice doctor :)

My big news is that I learnt to surf yesterday.

In the morning I babysat for a family from church and that was pretty good. The kids are great! I went to Myer to run an errand. Met with Alys for lunch, which was very lovely. Finished doing my errands, then went home to read through this trashy mag I bought for a friend in the USA. James came by at 4pm, and we headed to the beach together.

He's brought some straps to hold a surf board on the roof of his car, whilst the other was kinda squished in the car with various seats down. We went to Cotteloe, got out the surfboards, and walked down to the water. It was pretty tricky staying balanced and when I was just sitting on the board, I still fell off a few times. The first wave I caught, I just stayed lying on it. The second, I managed to get on my knees. I think it was the fourth wave that I managed to stand up. It's hard to go from lying down to standing up in one motion. James managed to catch a few waves and stand on his board, but he was the one teaching me. I mention this because I'm envious.

Being sick sucks. My week has been rather busy. Lsat Monday I handed in 2 assignments, followed by another on Friday. I did this thing where I woke up super early (5:30 and 4:30) in order to get a head start on writing and it worked quite well actually. Then on Friday night I slept 14hrs, followed by work, followed by a hens party, followed by the MCU end of year bash, followed by late night shenanigans on the beach till 4am. So I've been not taking care of myself so much. But in all fairness, I rarely get up to such activities, so it's been kinda fun to act 19 again.

But I don't like being sick. I'm much more sensitive to the things of this world effecting me, which I hate. Someone doesn't respond the way I want them to and I'm all pouty inside and can't handle it well and let it blow over. I don't handle a situation the way I want to and get annoyed at myself far too easily.

I've had good times with people this week, but I'm kinda sick of myself and am looking forward to exams being over. Being in a uni routine has been good though. Given I'm 2/3rds external, I've been quite disciplined with getting all my work done.

Also, I'm kinda sad I'm not going to be MCU secretary anymore. I liked being secretary.

My right calf has been quite sore recently and I've no idea why! I woke up one morning and BAM, sore. :(

Haven't heard back from that job yet. Still praying.

My HR test is on Wednesday. Praying for that too.

*sigh* Not much going on here. Assignments are not causing me stress - hurrah. In a mostly good mood. I think that's all

So I went into work this morning to sort out this debacle with the rosters and my four shifts next week are cut down to 2! YAY!!! Then I handed in new availability forms that let them know I'm going away for 3 weeks in December. I know they're not happy about it and I may have to quit, but I'm praying it won't come to that and they'll sign off on the forms.

I also emailed two of my tutors requesting extensions. One is still getting back to me, she wants to go to the unit coordinator first. I'm working on the assignment now and have almost finished part 1 of 4. The trouble is that I need to put a student through this lesson I'm creating, and I can get time next week, but this week is looking a bit tight! It's due Monday, 26th of October.
The other one IS the unit coordinator and was quite happy to give me an extra 4 days! So yay for that. Was due the 2nd, now it's on the 6th of November.

So yes. I feel like I'm getting more control over these things. The third assignment is almost done and is super easy anyway. I've done all the readings, I just need to write up the summaries of the last two. It's due in 2 weeks, but I'm hoping to get the summaries written ans handed in asap so I don't need to worry about it.

Everything's coming to a head. I'm glad I have time now to work on this assignment away from the distraction of housework and even other study buddies. Study buddy time will come during study break :) I also called my parents and they come down to Perth next week for a night. Mum is going to cook me some meals and bring them down with her, as well as a bag of rice! Isn't she lovely?

Matt 6:25-34
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Edit: about 6mins into the Shepherd's Song by Beethoven, the music swells and it's just so beautiful!

Work has rostered me on too frequently again. And I'm struggling to see how I'm going to cope with:
1. Keeping the house tidy. This is serious because it severely affects my stress levels.
2. Handing in my assignments on time. It's almost the end of the year and 3 final assignments are due in. Freak out!
3. Exam study!!

I'm panicking just thinking about it! I want someone to come and take care of me and do the housework and cook for me. I feel like crying because my time is being pulled in different directions. I don't know how to honour my employer in this. They are not honouring me, and I don't have to put up with their treatment of me because I'm not a slave. But I want to honour them.

I do not handle stress well. I'm getting quite anxious about it.

( this is beautiful )

I studied pretty late in the library last night, and James had this on his ipod and it was so very moving.

I've gotten quite into classical music recently. "Adagio in G minor by Albinoni, arranged by Giazotto", is another favourite. I really wanted to go see the Pastoral Series by Beethoven that played recently, but I missed out due to the bad timing.

btw, since I have lots of time this morning before needing to be anywhere, I read some of my Bible (hurrah!). All of Colossians actually. When I have had time and motivation to read my Bible in the past two weeks, I've been reading a whole book, as opposed to bits of a book.

And this is awesome! I totally love doing it. I get the big vibe for the book. This morning the love that Paul has for the Colossians came out in a way that hadn't before - because I'm only reading a little chunk and getting the theology out of that little bit. I haven't read a LONG book in one go yet. Hopefully maybe over the weekend.

Philemon is great too. When reading, I read aloud in my head. Meaning, I have intonation and stress certain words as I read. Which is great! This morning, Paul was cheerful, but also stressing and urging the Colossians and Philemon on to good works and love. He kinda told the Colossians off for following the law and human tradition, but on the whole, I reckon he was in a good mood when he wrote both letters. Also, I really love the final greetings. I can just imagine Paul writing this letter and Aristarchus pops his head in to request that Paul send his greetings too! And then Onesimus pops in and tell Paul that he wants to deliver the letter with Tychicus and visit the Colossian church for the first time. What exciting times it must have been to be in a small church getting one of Paul's letters for the first time. Or to be with Paul, serving him there. To be Epaphras, always wrestling in prayer for the saints! I can imagine Paul chuckling as he put in his little pun in Philemon verse 11 (Onesimus means useful).

How good our God is to have given us His Word!

Yesterday was a struggle! I was on the precipice of calling it and going home to sleep all day. But I didn't, I worked through the exhaustion and was ... exhausted. For the entire day. *throws hands in air exasperatedly* I went home once work finished, threw on my going-out pjs (the ones that look presentable and less hole-y) and had a "nap" with my laptop before head off to Bible study (listening to loud punk on the way to wake me up).

After Bible study, my friends James and Dawn decided I was too tired to drive myself home, so they worked out a cunning plan with cars and drove me home themselves, which was lovely of them.

Yesterday was such a struggle. I'd get all angry and grumpy and then be all "gah, honour God with your work!" and try not to be grumpy. But because I was tired, I would forget to not be grumpy. Then I saw my roster for two weeks away and it's retarded and then I complained, and then I felt really bad for complaining because it wasn't honouring God or my employers, and then I felt anxious because my retarded work roster that I didn't want to complain about kinda really sucks for that particular time because I'll be swamped with assignments, so then I felt like I wanted a little cry - but was still at work so I couldn't. I also felt angry because I'd already been through this "you-guys-are-putting-me-on-too-often!! Full-time-student!! No-more-than-two-shifts!! saga.

So the moment 5:30 hit, I had a little cry. And when I got home and was in bed, I had another little cry. So by the time Bible study came, I didn't need to cry any more. It was rather therapeutic.

I didn't set my alarm this morning because I wanted to allow myself to sleep as much as I needed. But I woke up, saw the time, tried to go back to sleep, and I think I'm ok.

I really don't like being grumpy. I really don't like complaining. Trying to be a blessing to people around me is nigh impossible when tired - unless you're a super-Christian. Which clearly, I am not! *fails*

Yay for Jesus who has taken my punishment for failure! Yay to God who sees my efforts, and loves and strengthens me for the good I just happen to do despite all odds! Yay for the Spirit who is working a change in me! Yay for the community of believers who prayed for me yesterday (you guys rock and are a huge encouragement)!

Big, BIG day yesterday. I finished exhausted and went to another thing. Then I was so tired I had a little cry, then had dinner with a friend. Tried to cram in some study afterwards, but after reading the same paragraph 5 times without actually reading it, I decided to go home and to sleep. I had a shower before I went to bed and was feeling sorry for myself when I remembered: God sees what I do. He knows and he cares and this work is storing up treasure in Heaven.

My Father who cares for me, sees me and knows me.

I started my shower tired and grumpy, but I finished it tired and thankful.

This morning though, I'm tired and trying-really-hard-not-to-be-grumpy. But I am still feeling residually exhausted from yesterday and rather panicky and anxious about approaching assignments. Please Father, get me through today as well!

I've had a pretty good week this week. Lots of time spent with people, chatting and building friendships. A bit of time spent with God, praying, reflecting and improving on growth. Not so much time spent studying and I'm feeling a bit anxious about that. Also feeling a bit anxious about my financial situation - though so far it's nothing to be too concerned about. I just need to be discerning with my money.

Currently my cat is napping on my lap, I have a cup of tea, am listening to Radiohead and am home from climbing this evening. I had a very good time and am in this nice calm mood, my energy having been spent earlier.

I feel like my relationships with people are improving - at least in my own head - as I see them through Kingdom eyes. That is, they're meaningful in the context of sharpening each other, they won't end at death, we encourage each other to be built up and go out in evangelism. It's not that I have a select group of friends with whom there relationships are improving, but with many people who are my friends, most of them are improving in quality.

Last night at Emily's 21st, I was suddenly very happy to be there, listening to the speeches. God has done very good work in Emily and I have been the recipient of her wisdom, tact and discernment before. On the way down from Carnarvon in July, we had a very hard, but edifying conversation and I feel very blessed that she had the courage to speak her concerns to me in love and truth. And as I reflected on the good work He has done in her, I was glad for all the conversation I had had in the past week or two, and for the friends who'd had the courage to speak truth in love to me. And that those friendships won't end. I may not see some people for many years, even lifetimes, but they won't end because the fellowship we share will be made absolute in the New Kingdom.

Which makes my heart glad!

While I long for a husband, I am very happy with the friendships I have with blokes now. Because I can encourage them, learn to relate to them in a Godly manner, learn to love them as brothers. Last night I felt my heart surge with a great deal of (platonic) love for all my brothers in Christ! What work God has done in them, and what courage they have to struggle against sin and live to glorify Christ in what they do! I am also very thankful for the friendships I have with Godly women too. Emily is one and there are a few others whom I feel very blessed to have in my life, encouraging and sharpening me.

So at this moment, my heart is glad. I am thankful for my friendships and for the work God has done in me, both in the past two years, and over the past 4 months. What a good God I serve! How marvellous His deeds! How wise his plans for his people!

What a week! And I mean that in the sense of suffering from foot-in-mouth disease. And I mean that in the sense of both doing, saying and reacting to things in a stupid, childish and immature manner. That was what part of my whining on Friday was about (the entry before this one). That being said, the entry did help me to clarify WHY I blog and thus I should keep that in mind AS I blog.

Bah to me!! Despite this, I feel that God has shown how I've grown in this. In the past I would have respond to reprimanding quite defensively as my pride was hurt (it's been very gentle reprimanding though!). But thanks to the grace of God, he's given me the means to calm down and respond much better. I don't think I'm all the way to a completely humble response, but at least I'm not lashing out from a damaged ego. So hurrah!! =D

Things that have stood out for me in learning and growing this week have been:

he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:6)

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Prov 27:17)

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God (1 Cor 8:1-3)

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (Phil 3:12). Seriously, haven't actually managed to do these things properly, but as I've stuffed up, these verses have sprung to mind as things I should improve upon.

I know I was feeling rather lonely on Friday. That was an up and down emotional day. I started rather melancholy at the beach, but cheered up significantly over breakfast. Stayed happy till just after lunch. Then stayed melancholy again till the party I went to at Kiri's. Had a very fantastic time hanging out with my very dear friends, in whom I could confide and enjoy those relationships with. I'm glad that this week I can see the work God has done in me. Long way to continue going, but he will carry what he has started through to completion. I just hope that through His grace, I haven't stuffed up too significantly :/

So I'm currently in the library at Murdoch studying. Obviously not at this precise moment. There are a number of things going through my head that I want to get out.

All Christians doubt at some point in time. I doubt today. I don't expect this'll last long. The convictions that God has given me are strong, but every now and then they are shaken up. I am glad that God's existence doesn't depend on my faith. I am glad that His goodness extends to me in my unbelief. "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"

Why do we bottle so much of ourselves up? Is it wrong that I share so much of myself openly?

I've been asked a number of times about the appropriateness of my blogging - what I blog, that I blog...

I wonder if maybe I blog because I'm striving for relationships. While everyone is so busy, while no one person save God can be relied upon at all times, do I blog to fill that need for relationships I face? People eventually comment on my posts (either by responding on LJ or talking about it in person later) which encourages me because I feel listened to and understood. But even this understanding - or illusion of - can never be fully realised by other people. Am I scared of not blogging because deep down, I'm lonely?

I'm frustrated at the way sin has marred so much of this world. I'm sad because of things going on with people I love that I'm powerless over. I'm confused because I wonder where God is in this.

come Jesus, come. Make everything right again! Help me to be patient! Help me overcome my unbelief!

A friend of mine has suffered from a broken relationship today. My heart hurts for her. We shared a room at MYC this year and it was encouraging to talk and have that fellowship together, particularly when I was still hurting from Josh. She called me this afternoon and I prayed with her over the phone and I'm still praying for her.

This has made me reflect on the break up with Josh.
1. I'm very glad I'm over him and hurting for my friend strangely confirms that.
2. Some verses that were highly comforting to me back then, are comforting to me now and I pray that they are comforting to her as well

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 1 Corinthians 1:3-5

3. As Christians, we are in community with each other. We are a family and we hurt and support and rejoice with each other and what a blessing that is!
4. As Christians, we are have everything we need for fullness in Christ. I pray that she always remembers to reach out to God who is bringing her through this for good. He is her rock. He is her life.

I grieve for her because relationships are so flawed in this life. They are worth it, because we are made for them. But they still cause pain and hurt and are so much work and effort! My grief is not hopeless, but I grieve in light of my hope. I am sad that things are not all right yet. I am sad that she needs to go through this pain. But I am so looking forward to the Kingdom and now being part of her family so that I can have the privilege of serving, encouraging and comforting her during this time, with the same comfort I have received from God. That his promises are good and trustworthy.

I love my friend. God will bring her through this. But I hurt for her still.

It's been a bit since I've updated. What's been going on with me? Time for dot points methinks!

- Work has rostered me on stupid numbers of shifts for a full time student. 3-4 shifts a week is too much!!
- So Tuesday night I was very stressed and anxious about not getting time to actually study
- Yesterday first thing I complained loudly to management and I got out of my Friday shift and Wednesday's next week. Down to 2 a week, huzzah!

- Over Josh! Huzzah!
- Any sad feelings I've felt in the past little bit have had more to do with not having someone to hang out with and a hand to hold... that kinda stuff. not Josh-specific stuff.
- Have been slightly boy-crazed in this past week though which is annoying actually. I just want to get on with being friends with blokes instead of thinking "he's a nice bloke... what if...?"
- My head is annoying like that. I'm praying about it and at least I'm aware it's going on.

- Totally burnt myself out last week. Thought I could do everything, went rock climbing 3 times last week and again on Monday.
- My rock climbing gear was stolen!
- Went to get my friend an ice cream after climbing coz it was his birthday and when we returned to my car, it was gone!
- My laptop, mp3 player, bike, pearls and his wallet were also in the car and untouched!
- Why someone would steal rock climbing gear is beyond me. It has the least resellable value than anything else left in the car. Shoes are quite person specific too as the leather stretches to fit your foot
- Reported it to the police and at Rockface so hopefully it'll get dumped and someone will pick it up and hand it in. Hopefully.
- It's about $250 worth of stuff. :P

- I have mixed feelings about the Muse album. The last 3 tracks are gold, but the rest of it is very different. Absolution and Black Holes had Time is Running Out and Supermassive Black Holes respectively and they were both the odd ones out on those albums. The Resistance feels like it's those tracks for the most part, then he gets all old school Muse and epic for Exogenesis: Symphony (parts 1, 2 and 3). So while I expect the rest of the album will grow on me (as Black Holes grew on me) because I love Muse pretty much discriminantly, Exogenesis is definitely the highlight for me so far

I went climbing last night with Jason and Josh and had a blast. It was such good fun. I bought a climbing harness and the difference between the ones you borrow and the ones you buy are HUGE! I'm so so so glad I have my own harness. Jason had a new one too and both of us were like "yeah, we can swing around up here for a while and it ISN'T uncomfortable!" So that was pretty rad.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 to ride my bike to Cott beach for an early morning swim as I do on Friday mornings and that was rad too! Super dooper cold though. The water was eerily warmish when I first got in, but it quickly got very cold. Malcolm and I swam around the pylon to warm up a bit, which worked, but when we stopped swimming it was very cold again. I don't think I've ever been that cold actually - none of my body worked properly: I tried speaking and my mouth would skip words from a sentence, I was hobbling because I couldn't feel my feet and my hands wouldn't grab things. I was so glad to get to the Blue Duck. I went into the bathroom and put my hands under the warm air from the hand dyer for a while.
But it was so worth it and I intend on doing it again next week! Truly the highlight of my week - good friends, good times and good food. But mostly doing stupid things with a fantastic group of friends is excellent.

Did a thing for MCU after a hot bath back at home, then went to work and started to feel a bit ill. I think it was a combination of frustration over my assignment due Monday and a very cold, early morning. It was odd though: my ears were popping, I felt a bit queasy and I think I was running a temperature. I would get really cold if it were remotely cool, or really warm if I would otherwise be comfortable. So I went home early and that been nice. I'm working on my assignment now (cept for the LJ updating).

Finally, I made risotto in my rice cooker this evening and it turned out pretty well! I cooked an onion in a pan and added the rice to that with some white wine. Then I put that mixture into my rice cooker with chicken stock, diced chicken and more wine and it came out really good! I added some peas and tarragon last in the "keep warm" phase so that my peas wouldn't end up mushy and there was enough moisture and heat to defrost/cook them. So that was highly successful and easy! It's like a slow cooker. Speaking of which, I should use that more often. I typically love my slow cooker.

So my day has gone pretty well. Even when I was feeling a bit sick, I was still in a good mood. So praise God for that! No feeling frustrated about the issues raised in my last post. I had a great chat with Angela and we prayed about it. And I've been praying about it too. Everything is better when I'm actually active in my relationship with God and not passive. :D