I was pretty sick on the drive back home. I hardly had any sleep on Friday night, despite feeling sick and going to bed early. When I woke up Saturday morning I felt alright, but an hour into driving, I passed the responsibility over to Andrea. It was a little weird sitting in the back seat of my car at first, but I had some books and magazines and Emily to keep me company. Drive took ages! It's much different when I'm driving I think - time goes faster.

Anyway, finally got back to my house at 5:45pm having dropping Emily and Lizzy home. Went to Tarryn's 21st. I intended to only pop in for a quick hi and bye, but ended up staying a bit longer. Went home after feeling nauseous at the sight of food. Right now I've had a shower. I still feel sick, but I'm ok. Doing better than yesterday and hopefully will be right for MYC on Monday.

I am a bit nervous about him being there though. I don't want to see him. I don't even want him in the same room. I will write memory verses on my arms though to comfort me I think. I did that on mission and it was comforting to have a reminder of God's love right there. :)

I don't really want to go back to Perth. And although I'm looking forward to MYC, he is going to be there and I much prefer not thinking, seeing, talking, hearing about or talking about him and the break up. I've enjoyed being up here. I also really like being involved in the community and the thought of graduating and spending a few years teaching in the country, getting involved in the community, in the local church, sounds really appealing. I'd thought about it prior to Josh. I'd thought about it while going out with him, and now I'm thinking about it again. I still need to graduate and that's not for two more years, but I like the idea of it. It'd even be nice to come up to Carnarvon and stay with parents when I'm teaching.

But anyway, those are my thoughts. I might like to go to Theological college later too. That might be nice.

Mission has been great. It's totally exhausting and right now I'm a bit sick and fearful of loosing my voice (I'm MC-ing, which is concerning). But I'm still having lots of fun.

I intend to get my HR licence so I can eventually learn to drive a bus. Spoke to Steve (staffworker at MCU) and he reckons that'd be alright. Now I just need to get my act together and work it out! :)

I'm very exhausted. Mission has been great, but it's taking a lot of energy. Thankfully, no energy to be sad, so hurrah! I'm having a lot of fun and it's excellent being with good friends and my family. I'm getting on with everyone on team, which is a real blessing - even with people I thought I'd have some friction with.

Here are photos from Sunday. We had a combined church service, then spent the afternoon plotting and planning some of the big stuff for the week. We also used that time to set up the main hall.

Here are photos from Monday (today). We went out to the Aboriginal ocmmunity to play some games, sing some songs and tell them a Bible story. I'm MC-ing for the week and I think that is going well too. I should use a microphone from now on though to save my voice. It went really well. We were a bit nervous that they'd be a bit unruly, but they were actually super well behaved and we were all pleasently surprised. Looking forward to going out again on Wednesday.

To finish up, ( here's a photo of me with an Aboriginal child under the cut )
It's going really well up here. But again with the exhaustion. :D

Carnarvon has been very good for me. It's good to be with my parents, with my friends, serving God on this mission, and out of Perth.

That's all I have time for. Thank you everyone for your prayers! Carnarvon and God have been good! :)

I am far from over him. Saw him last night at a 21st party. We chatted and that was good. I saw some good friends I haven't seen in a while and they were asking me how I was doing and I think the combination of trying to maintain a happy façade, seeing him, and talking about how I feel honestly to my dear friends was just too overwhelming. More tears ensued.

He doesn't love me anymore. I'm doing all I can to cling to God. But I feel so very helpless. I'm just little and I can't deal with this. Father, when will this be over? Please take all this away from me! Please heal my heart and help me cling to you! Where are you in all this?

I was happy and content before I met him. Even before we dated I had gotten to a point of being ok about it. Now there's just pain and heartache and I don't know why. I really thought that God had brought us together for marriage. Now I'm trying to be ok again but I can't because the feeling of loss is too much.

Please pray for me

My need to talk about the breakup has mostly gone. I think I've processed it as much as I'm going to for it to be healthy (with the odd exception every now and then), and now it just kinda hurts to think about it and I much prefer being happy and not hurting.

However, I saw him Tuesday morning and although I was a bit stressed to start with (due to him and a few other things), then I was sad and had a bit of a cry and read a Bible in another room, I was ok after Angela came and cheered me up with a chat. It was ok after that. A little weird, but ok.

I went climbing again this evening with Cint and Andrea. It was lots of fun. I made it up some difficult walls and made it half way up another wall(17), but the handholds were super small and right now, my finger tips are still a bit sore. I'm at a 15-16 skill level methinks. I'm going to try and climb all the 16 walls at Rockface and also start trying 17 and 18 walls.

MCU committee meetings started today. We made really good progress, so we should be busy tomorrow and then have Friday off - which is terrific! Time to get ready for Carnarvon mission!

Tonight at climbing I made it up 4 walls that have been my pet project walls. One I tried first time I went and only got up due to cheating. Two I've tried almost every time I've been but my arm strength has been insufficient. One I tried last week but couldn't get over the overhang.

I made it up all four tonight!! This is very exciting for me and I'm so pleased to have achieved this little milestone. I was hoping to get up one of them, but I just kept going up each wall I tried. Although, there were some harder ones that I didn't get up.

Tonight I went climbing with some new friends. It's a long story, but they're all exchange students studying in Perth. John I know from the pre orientation week stuff that we did at Murdoch Village and everyone else I know through him. There were 5 of us all up. It's interesting watching newbies climb. Especially guys. They rely on their arms WAAAY too much. They totally ignored their feet, except at things to stabilise their arms while they reach up for the next hand holds. Girls however, I think rely too much on their legs. It's taken me a while to build up enough arm strength to get up those walls I got up tonight. And afterwards I was pretty knackered.

After rock climbing, we went out for some Vietnamese food at a local cheap restaurant, followed by fried ice cream (three of them hadn't had it before) and then home. It was a really good evening. The guys were friendly and it was good to get to know new people. And it was good to get to the top of 4 very difficult walls (for me) and eat good food with good company. Hurrah!

The past two days have been up and down. Friday went rather well, Saturday I was a bit sad again.

I saw the Transformers 2 film yesterday. I didn't really like it. The dialogue was corny, cheesy and clichéd, the acting was lame (though in defence of the actors, their characters really were the problem), the action just went on and on and I couldn't tell one robot from the next - the good ones from the bad. I'm like "I know Optimus Prime is fighting, but which one is he?" Quite frankly, seeing a bunch of CGI robots battle it out and expecting me to be excited when the good one wins, is just too far removed from my emotional experience. I feel nothing for them. I can't even feel sympathy for the main human character because he's a huge douche bag! He's a wimp and the only reason he gets caught up in this war is through series of accidents and coincidences. I can't feel anything for the female lead because she's only there to serve as sex-on-legs. Though they don't get it on in the film (despite how much it's implied), that's totally her purpose and the reason why she and the bloke love each other: she's hot! In fact, every female in the film, with the exception of the mother, is hot! Furthermore, there were scenes that were shockingly put together. It was like some kid got into the production room with a pair of scissors and started cutting out frames.

So it was good for the action and I enjoyed it, but that was all that was good. As someone once said: "It's called "Fast and Furious," not "Smart and Thought provoking" - Brett Erlich. I apply the same rule to Transformers 2.


So anyway, this morning! I went to bed early last night after spending some quality time with my Bible and journalling my prayers. This morning I slept in till 8:20 (which, when having gotten to sleep at 10:30, is quite the sleep in!) and then went for a 20min jog! This jog covered 3.25km! That's my longest yet. Yesterday I tried to jog it but got a stitch half way though so I needed to walk/hobble home. I think I jog better in the mornings when my stomach's empty.

I have a profile page at mapmyrun.com, so I can log in how far and how often I run. It's pretty encouraging actually. There's a monthly calender that shows what I've done each day and it's good to log in all my workouts (not just runs, but pilates, rock climbing, walking and swimming too) and then how much I've achieved!

When I took off my shoes afterwards though, it turns out I had a blister and then the friction of my shoe on that spot had caused it to bleed. But I didn't notice at the time, I was more like "come'on self, not long to go now, keep jogging, keep breathing regularly" and so forth.

Oh man, I've done more updating in the past 13 days than I have in previous months. No surprise there, but wow! I had a dream last night, we were just doing normal stuff together with other couples (and by normal stuff, I mean making sculptures out of chairs and blankets, breaking into apartments and other such crazy hi jinx you only ever do in dreams), so when I woke up this morning, I was a bit like "damn you dreams!!" But I'm doing ok now.

Being single is starting to feel normal again and last night when rock climbing with Alys, I had a brief memory of Josh climbing and it felt rather surreal. Then it felt weird that it felt surreal. But I'm glad of this. I'm glad that single is normal again.

It occurred to me that when I'm content being single, I'm not as emotional as I can be. I am an emotional person, but when I'm content, I'm just that, kinda cruisy with the emotions. There's nothing that makes me freak out, but then there's not much that makes me super dooper happy (like Josh did). Which makes me wonder how I'm going to fair if I ever get into another relationship. I guess it's a matter of learning to embrace being happy, but self-regulating the dips. It's nothing I need to worry about right now, but it makes me think.

So anyway, I haven't been for a run this morning because I'm letting my body rest. Rock climbing last night was fun, but I think I'll continue going to Rockface because it's closer and more friends go there. Though, I was able to get up a super hard wall because my arm strength is increasing. Hurrah for that! My technique and strength is definitely improving and that's encouraging to continue!

I'm doing quite well today and I wanted you all to know that! I think my appetite is returning just fine. I didn't jog for as long as intended this morning, but it was still longer than yesterday. Tomorrow I'm letting my body rest, so I'll probably just go for a walk in the morning instead of jogging. I'm really looking forward to climbing with Alys this evening.

Anyway, I'm feeling quite well. Actually, I'm just happy. For the first time in a week and a half, I'm sitting here happily not really doing much. Nothing is making me happy, I'm just cruising along at my usual 6-7 out of 10 like I did before the breakup. I don't like being sad and like to think that I bounce back from set backs fairly quickly. I know that tomorrow morning I'll be a bit sad again, but I hope I'll continue to bounce back each day until there's no need to bounce back!

Thank you Father, for working a change in me, for healing my heart. I know this won't last, but thank you for your grace now. Thank you for your grace in the past week and a bit for making every day a bit better. Thank you for carrying me on eagle's wings and teaching me to cling to you as my strength and support. Thank you!

So I read this advice column on a woman who nagged at her boyfriend until he proposed, for no particular reason - procrastinating. And a few bits of advice ring true for me. Josh said that our relationship was making me insecure and I reckon it was. Now I have to take responsibility for myself, I can see how I relied too heavily on him to reassure me. Now, women do need reassurance, but I think I took that knowledge too far. So anyway, some bits in particular are rather true, so I'll post them on here for you:

It’s time you acted like a big girl. Stop choking this subject to death. Learn to let go. Learn to give over control. Buck up and recognise that unless you learn to start reassuring yourself you will constantly have these issues in your marriage. You will constantly be whining at your husband for affection and reassurance because you don’t know how to give it to yourself.

You have had failed relationships in the past. You are afraid. Admit that. You need to be able to sit with that and stop rushing at your fiancé to fill the holes. Stop expecting constant reassurance so you feel safe. You either have faith in him or you don’t.

Hindsight vision is twenty-twenty.

Also, I need to stop doing this "if only" thing in my head. If only I'd read this article before it was too late. If only I'd learnt to be more secure, to control my emotions, etc, before it was too late. Maybe this breakup was what was needed for me to learn to be more secure and take control of my emotions. Maybe this breakup was necessary for me to learn to cling to God and use his strength. Maybe this breakup was necessary for me to grow on my own. I think I'll try and stick to that.

I think I've hit a plateau that only time, prayer and God can heal now. Just sadness every now and then. General missing feelings.

Trying to keep up normalcy. It will take time.

Monday was pretty good all up. I'm not angry at Josh, but I miss him and his companionship, so while at work I was a bit sad for not having that anymore. It occured to me before my lunch break, though, that if I don't end up an old grey haired lady trying to find comfortable pants with her old grey haired husband, will I be ok with that? (the husband bit, not the shopping for pants bit - these are the situations I face in Myer) And I think I will be.

Essentially, I readjusted my thinking. Instead of going "I miss Josh" I'm putting my efforts into getting over the relationship. Yes, having a boyfriend is great and getting hugs from someone who loves you is wonderful, but if I don't have that, will I be ok with that? And I think I will be - with God's help. Already it helped me feel tons better. I hope to get married one day, but I think I'll be ok if I don't... with God's help. The idea of going to a friend's wedding makes me a bit scared right now, but I'll be ok.

All this makes me think that when Josh said I was too insecure, I think he was right. I think I was too scared of loosing him. Now I have and I need to be ok with that. It was a real struggle to bring issues to him in the relationship because I was scared I would ruin things. I find this ironic.

After work I went rock climbing with Jacinta, Ian, Ricky, Matt and Intan. I made it up FIVE walls last night!! That's a record for this place! I was totally pumped and very pleased with myself. We went out for dinner afterwards and Jacinta, Intan and myself have promise to do the City to Surf half marathon together this year. It's in just over 2 months and it's a 21km run. This morning I started my training and I jogged 1.7km in the rain! I didn't even need to stop and walk for a bit. I jogged the WHOLE WAY!!

So I'm hoping this goal will be a good get-over-Josh activity. As well as get me out of bed early in the morning and start doing something. As my mornings are usually the hardest bit of the day, hopefully a jog will help me in that. Jacinta and I are going to be doing some pilates cross training two evenings a week, I'm going to swim a couple of nights a week, rock climbing and by that stage, that's about 6 nights taken up and I'll be pooped on the 7th night.

I haven't been eating full meals since the break up. It's just too hard sometimes and misery kills my appetite. I'm trying to eat regularly because I don't want to faint or anything. But usually my meals are about half the size they once were. This means that with my low eating and higher activity levels, I've lost 4kg in the past 10 days. Can't say I'm upset, but I am concerned. Hopefully all this training will increase my appetite and I'll stop loosing weight. Or, I'll loose more fat, but gain more muscle.

Anyway, I have an assignment to write by Wednesday next week, so I'm going to get on it!

I feel better this evening. Spent the evening with Matt and Cheryl, just being normal. After acting normal for a while, I started feeling normal too... instead of feeling empty and dead inside (not that bad, but almost).

Thank you everyone for being so supportive! I cannot speak of how very appreciative I am for all of you, to have taken the time to give me advice, love, Bible verses, prayer, and just saying a few words of love. My heart has been clinging to Jesus like a limpet and you have spurred me onwards to stick there!

Work tomorrow all day, and hopefully climbing with Ian & co. afterwards, so must get to bed now.

Got some news yesterday. It was terrible news. And the person I wanted most to run to, I couldn't, and it's been unbearable.

Mandy came over last night to help me. Sleep was good, but I can't bear it this morning. This news is too terrible and it only compounds the hardness of getting over him.

Where is God? Where is his comfort and compassion? Help me Father, I cannot do this on my own and it's unbearable!

We met today and had a good chat. It was a really good chat actually. I feel better about the breakup and appreciate his reasons more. I can see that it was a good move.

...But I still miss him. I really miss him.

It will take time.

The sting was there this morning. There are two things I need to get over, I've realised.
1) Josh himself. I need to get over Josh. I loved him very much and he's an excellent guy.
2) the relationship. I've found my mind wandering and thinking "what about that single, Christian guy eh?" Which is very unhelpful. I liked being in a relationship and I want to be in one again. but that's no good. It would be a rebound relationship and it wouldn't be with the guy, it would be with my own perception of him and... just messy. I've been a rebound girl and don't want to put anyone through that.

So it's annoying really. It's annoying that there are two things to get over. And I'm not over it. I'm dealing with it - quite well actually. But I'm not over either of them yet. Pray for me will you? Pray that I can let both these things go and put my love and hope on God instead. I am praying this, but maybe if I keep knocking on God's door, he'll open it and grant my request, Luke 11:5-13.

So the sting was there, but so far, no tears (could this be the first morning with no tears??), lots of prayer, Bible reading, diary writing. So far it's manageable.

I'm in such a good mood this evening. No particular reason. I think I'm feeling good because I'm not feeling bad. So it's kinda cyclical. I was almost bouncing off the walls by the time I got the Rockface. Ian's a great person to climb with because he can give me good tips on technique to work on. I made it up two 15 walls that half way up, I was like "no chalk, no handholds! eep!!" but Ian was like "do this and that, try that" so I tried it and it ended up working, even with my sweaty hands! I did a couple of new moves too, I was very pleased with my progress. I was like, super ninja climbing woman!!

Also, I got there and wasn't "oh, Josh isn't here *tears*" So I was pleased about that too!

Now my stomach muscles hurts, and my arms. I need to have a shower because I'm all sweaty (attractive!) and wash my hair in prep for tomorrow.

Little Creatures. 6pm till late. You live in Perth, you consider yourself my friend, you should come. *nods enthusiastically* But, you know, if you can't, that's cool too. Come late and leave early, I don't mind!

This morning was terrible, but this afternoon and evening were good.

I went to my pastor's house for lunch and had a nice time just chatting with Matt and Cheryl. Matt and I went for a walk about the park to talk about breakup stuff and that was really good. It was just nice to be chatting with a family about random crap that doesn't matter.

Got out some movies too. I watched He's Just Not That Into You with Heather and that was a good film to watch. It helped, to kinda, see that Josh not calling me, not chasing after me, not fighting for me, means that he doesn't want me anymore and so I shouldn't be the one to chase after him. Not that I was going to because I don't want to be that kinda girl. But, just as encouragement for my emotions.

Then I went to Matt and Mandy's for Bible study, cept tonight we watched Training Day. Got to chat with Mandy there and that was very nice. The movie was entertaining enough.

So that was the rest of my day. I'm very glad I had time to hang out with people. It was just nice and right now I feel, 4/10. Which, ironically, I'm pretty pleased about!

This morning is hard again! I'm tired of crying for him! How long will this take? How long oh Lord? Till my heart is healed once more?

I feel so broken.

I'm sick of crying for someone who doesn't love me!!

Edit 10:46am:
prayer. I wrote in my diary and prayed and I feel more peace about it already. I'm going to have lunch with my pastor this afternoon and that should be good too. Rest in Jesus. Rest secure in his love.