May 29th, 2007

willow sad

I is teh suck. Ramblings from a broken heart

*facepalm* *headdesk*

I is teh suck. Two and a half weeks of praying and struggling down the drain in a spectacular belly flop back into the habitual rejection of God as the one whom I'm supposedly dedicated to. Does grace run out? My heart says yes, but my head and Bible say no. How much longer until this'll no longer be an issue? Am i strong enough to take sin out the back and shoot it in the head, to cut ties completely with it so it isn't an issue? I know that it's the only way to deal with a sin like this. But can I really do it? I feel like I cannot. I have to, but I don't want to.

How many times will I keep running back to God? I remember the story of the prodigal son, rejecting his father, and then his father welcoming him back with open arms and love. Is that me? I've run away and come home too many times. I fail.

I read this article titled "Still Struggling With Same-Sex Attraction". And although that isn't my particular struggle, many of the points hit home for me. Unfair comparisons, shooting sin in the head. It looks so hard right now. I've had to make and remake a commitment to God as I continue to fail. Would He want me to run away because of my shame? No, he's want me to come back. But can I actually come back to him after what I've done? Yes, yes I can. Will my shame let me?

Am I ready to completely give up what it is that is tempting me and thus leading to sin? It's such a practised routin now. *Sigh*

Is it well with my soul? Can I sing out that his name is blessed?

The prayer of the humble sinner, is merely 'I'm sorry.' And I am sorry. Is it then wrong to ask for help? No, Kanishka was merely making a point. But now I feel guilty for asking, as if some how it's wrong. But it isn't wrong. I know this. Have I properly asked for forgiveness? Am I really sorry? Or just looking for a get-out-of-hell-free card? What is in my heart right now? stubbornness, resentment, confusion, love and desire for God, but an unwillingness as of yet to give up that which causes me to sin?