July 9th, 2008

Robin wtf, Barney wtf

Disappointment when feeling useless and sinful

Well it's official now. CMS told me that they don't want to send me as a missionary this year and now TEAM Japan have officially agreed with them. Dad says there are a couple of other less official options we could try to pursue... but maybe God's closing the door for this year and that makes me a rather upset. I was rather depressed this afternoon after receiving the email, but in usual fashion, I've mostly bounced back. Mostly.

I was so very excited about the trip and it metaphorically kills me to put it on hold for a year. I guess I'm kinda at a loss about what's going to happen now. I could go on NTE (a big national Christian conference for uni students) in Canberra and a beach mission... I suppose it would be good for me. But right now I think I'll focus on not being bitter or depressed. In a strange way it's kinda made worse that they keep saying "next year, next year" because why not this year!? And I kinda wanted to apple to OMF next year anyway... This is me being bitter and depressed again. *sigh*

I've been feeling a bit useless recently anyway. Too much constructive criticism at the end of prac, an impending failure of an education unit, being knocked back from CMS and TEAM Japan...

I'm also struggling a bit on this mission which only compounds the feeling of uselessness. Someone is causing me to sin - not by anything they have done, but because of my own sinful nature. It's completely inappropriate and very, very awkward. I haven't told them (or anyone else) about it, because nothing can really be done about the situation. It's only until Friday and then hopefully I wont have to see them again until Heaven, when we're all free of sin anyway. So please pray for me with this. It is causing me a fair bit of distress!