March 23rd, 2011

Xander friends, Willow friends

Making Good Things, Ultimate Things

Normal updates from now on. I've been feeling very tired and weary recently. Just in general. But this afternoon I had an afternoon nap and it took FOREVER to wake up. In fact, I'm still not quite over it. I felt like the walking dead! I had some blood tests last week to get to the bottom of it, the results still aren't in yet. It's probably just an iron deficiency from Aunt Flo sticking around for 3 weeks (stupid birth control).

Anyway, I had a realisation the other day that I'm putting too much emphasis on being a good friend. More than that, I'm making "being a good friend" part of my identity. When it shouldn't be! Being a good friend is a GOOD thing, no doubt! But I've made it a part of my IDENTITY, thus, bad!
How does this work out in practice? Well, there was a fellow I was friends with and he stopped being friends with me (this incident) and every time he comes up in conversation, I feel really bitter towards him because he has stopped me from being a good friend to him and I'm embarrassed that now we're not even connected on facebook. This reaction is out of proportion! It also works out by being jealous when other friends do things without me, or feeling guilty for not being a better friend to everyone I'm friends with. I want to be in the in-crowd having all the fun times and being Ms Popularity! Which is dumb. It's not actually loving others. It's loving myself by wanting to be everyone's awesome friend. Again, being a good friend is a good thing, but I've made it an ultimate thing.

Since coming to this revelation, I haven't felt as bitter. Not even half as bitter anymore! It's still a struggle, but it's easier now I know the cause of the struggle, what I'm actually fighting against! I'm really glad that going to Heaven depends on God's GRACE! Seriously! It's been a huge thankfulness thing recently. I have no idea how sinful I am, but I've been getting glimpses and it's SCARY! YAY FOR JESUS!!