June 7th, 2013

V sad

Excitement versus Reality

So morning sickness is all up and down all over the place. Yesterday was bad, but I managed to put on the slow cooker for dinner, thus making dinner for my husband for the first time in a while. This morning was bad, but was better after emesis (the medical term - and thus least offensive term - for puking). I'm just all over the place. I feel ok when I'm talking to friends on the phone or in person, but my tummy is miserable when there's no interactive stimulation. I'm thankful for friends and phone calls.

I've decided to take another month off school as I just don't know when I'll get better and it's better for my class that I take these chunks of time off. So I'm again, very thankful for the school's flexibility, but am also getting a bit bored.

When James is around, or when talking to friends, it's easy to be excited about Sprout. I'm hoping that I get some good pregnancy symptoms, and not just the crappy ones. I've had some dreams (which I hear is normal) about Sprout being out-of-uterus, which I'm always a little sad to wake up from. And lead to daydreams throughout the day of a totally unrealistic dream-baby. In my first dream, Sprout was a boy named Atticus (same name as my cat) who, despite being only a few days old, was developmentally a toddler. Unrealistic. In my second, Sprout was a girl newborn who never cried. Again, unrealistic. But I think this lack of realism is nice for one who's sick of being sick at this stage.

To reiterate, I am excited. Part of me wants to set up a full on nursery with loads of cute ideas and things. The other rational part of me is wondering how to do that in Halls Creek without spending a billion dollars. So no cute nursery. I know that soon I'll get a baby bump and I'm pretty excited about that! I'm going to have another scan soon and I'm excited about seeing Sprout on a monitor. I really want some cute maternity photos taken when we're down in Perth in my third trimester. We're watching TV shows about pregnancy and birth, reading books, talking about parenting. I AM EXCITED!!!! Damnit.

But I'm not a-glow with maternal feels right now. I'm sick. I feel bad for not being able to help James more around the house. I feel bad for not being able to teach, or even sit up long enough to get my reports done on time while at home. I hate vomiting. I've lost even more weight. Eating is fraught with emotions, pressure and guilt, whereas before I ate things I liked in moderation - and that was the extent of my feels about it. I also feel a bit of pressure to be EXCITED!!! Damnit. I know that we tried for ages to get Sprout to... sprout. And every night I thank God for Sprout and pray he's still alive and still growing. If I miscarried, I would be SOOOOO upset. I don't wanna think about it beyond coldly assessing it as a potential reality I might have to deal with (please God, no!) There's just so many feels to deal with and the predominant one right now is:
"Gosh my tummy is upset, maybe eating something will make it go away. Maybe continuing to lie here will help. I'll stand up and get some food from the kitchen. What food? What food will make me feel least BLAH right now? Cup of soup? Fruit? Leftovers? Too much thinking about food, I should just stay here for a bit longer. ... Now my stomach has sharp pain as well as feeling upset. I should definitely get some food. Getting food. Why does sitting and standing up make me wanna puke?? Here's a kiwi fruit, yum! Need to peel off skin. Still standing up, ugh! Now eating. Eat quick. Now lie down, oh thank God I'm lying down again. I probably have another hour before I have to think about eating food again."

So, whoever's reading this. I AM excited. I AM thankful. Please be aware that Sprout is wanted and loved already. But please be aware that my life feels a bit sucky right now. If you don't like my venting on facebook, go to my facebook page and change the notifications that appear on your newsfeed. Problem solved. :)