When I was single, I had a hard time at weddings. Although I was happy for my friends, I wanted that happiness for me too. I wanted to be getting married, to have companionship and love. So weddings were bittersweet for me. I started enjoying weddings after some time, not getting sad for me and just being happy for them. But right now, I feel the same thing with pregnancy. I want a child, I want a baby. I want to be a mother and do all that mothering stuff. But James doesn't want that right now, he wants to wait a couple of years.
I feel a little bitter about it inside. Why do they get a baby when I don't?? How come they only waited a year after marriage to start trying, when I have to wait 3 years (according to our plan)??
I feel a little fearful too. What if I turn out to be infertile? What if this hormonal contraceptive I'm on screws my system up too much? What if it takes us several years of trying to finally have a baby, when we could have started trying now and so end up having one a little earlier (which I KNOW is stupid logic!!)? What if I turn out to be one of those women who so badly wants her own biological child that she places too much worth on it and questioned her very sense of self when she can't bear a child? What if this consumes me?
James thinks I'm stressed about uni. Which I am. But I'm mostly sad about this. I don't want to talk to him about it because my longing feels too vulnerable. I'm scared he'll say not right now. I'm scared he'll tell me to trust in God's plan. I'm scared he'll tell me to work on being content now. To be joyful now. To focus on Jesus now.
So this really got to me in a way that I wasn't expecting. I think it has something to do with really wanting children, but being ok with not having them now because everyone else my age is still delaying them. But now that it seems it's begun, I'm hurt that we're still waiting. I've always wanted children at a young age (my teenage timeline was marry at 20, kids at 23) and I don't want ten year olds underfoot at 40. I didn't feel like I could talk to James about it because he'd shut me down somehow, either by just telling me to trust God (I know!), to work at being content now (I know!) or giving me reasons why it wasn't sensible now (I know!). When really, I just wanted to be heard and understood.
We both did a lot of uni study today, though a lot of that was interspersed with being really sad and crying occasionally for me. But then I successfully distracted myself from my emotions for long enough to start feeling a bit better (new Dr Who episode, tv helps me get over stuff) and I talked to James about how I felt, why I think I felt that way and why I didn't want to talk to him. He was good about it. He also said we could start trying a bit earlier than agreed, which makes me feel better. Thank you for