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And Then There Was Silence

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V sad

Announcements at Church

The couple that we went on holiday with just announced they were expecting at church this morning. I am very happy for them. But I am sad for me too.

When I was single, I had a hard time at weddings. Although I was happy for my friends, I wanted that happiness for me too. I wanted to be getting married, to have companionship and love. So weddings were bittersweet for me. I started enjoying weddings after some time, not getting sad for me and just being happy for them. But right now, I feel the same thing with pregnancy. I want a child, I want a baby. I want to be a mother and do all that mothering stuff. But James doesn't want that right now, he wants to wait a couple of years.

I feel a little bitter about it inside. Why do they get a baby when I don't?? How come they only waited a year after marriage to start trying, when I have to wait 3 years (according to our plan)??

I feel a little fearful too. What if I turn out to be infertile? What if this hormonal contraceptive I'm on screws my system up too much? What if it takes us several years of trying to finally have a baby, when we could have started trying now and so end up having one a little earlier (which I KNOW is stupid logic!!)? What if I turn out to be one of those women who so badly wants her own biological child that she places too much worth on it and questioned her very sense of self when she can't bear a child? What if this consumes me?

James thinks I'm stressed about uni. Which I am. But I'm mostly sad about this. I don't want to talk to him about it because my longing feels too vulnerable. I'm scared he'll say not right now. I'm scared he'll tell me to trust in God's plan. I'm scared he'll tell me to work on being content now. To be joyful now. To focus on Jesus now.

Update 8:53pm
So this really got to me in a way that I wasn't expecting. I think it has something to do with really wanting children, but being ok with not having them now because everyone else my age is still delaying them. But now that it seems it's begun, I'm hurt that we're still waiting. I've always wanted children at a young age (my teenage timeline was marry at 20, kids at 23) and I don't want ten year olds underfoot at 40. I didn't feel like I could talk to James about it because he'd shut me down somehow, either by just telling me to trust God (I know!), to work at being content now (I know!) or giving me reasons why it wasn't sensible now (I know!). When really, I just wanted to be heard and understood.

We both did a lot of uni study today, though a lot of that was interspersed with being really sad and crying occasionally for me. But then I successfully distracted myself from my emotions for long enough to start feeling a bit better (new Dr Who episode, tv helps me get over stuff) and I talked to James about how I felt, why I think I felt that way and why I didn't want to talk to him. He was good about it. He also said we could start trying a bit earlier than agreed, which makes me feel better. Thank you for listeningreading and understanding. It meant a lot to be heardread!

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*internet-based hug*

I really needed that. Thank you! *hugs back*

I know it's scary thought opening up to James about this, but that's the beautiful thing about marriage - it gives you a safe place to feel vulnerable. He can help you through all your fears! And he also deserves to know how you're feeling. Decided when you want to expand your family is a joint decision, you need to come to it together. <3

*hugs* I know it can be hard when everyone else seems to be having children, but try to embrace the times that you have now, alone with James!

I had him read this entry earlier today.

Honestly, I've been pretty upset about this all day. Which is surprising, I never would have thought this would effect me like it has. Talking with him hasn't helped. I don't want to try to change his mind while I'm in this state, but his reasons for delaying family sound so very... lacking. Neither of us really know what to do. I feel alone.

I know what it's like to find yourself suddenly wanting something so much that you just can't stop thinking about it and you just want things to go.your.own.way! But you talked to James about it, even though you didn't want to, which means that you've moved forward! And even if he doesn't understand completely how you feel, I'm sure he's going to want to try to be more open and understanding - your update definitely seems that way to me! :)

Jeff and I's situation is different to yours with regards to having children (while we would both love to have kids soon, we know that right now is not the best time for either of us), we've made compromises where I can start making preparations (like buying small room decorations) which help me to look forward to the happy future, even though it's not here just yet. :)

sleep sure does help! I feel much better about it this morning. I was feeling better by the time I went to bed last night, just some residual sadness going on.

Buying things sounds so cool! There are a few things I've seen and been all OMGCUTE! But I'll save it all up for later when we're actually doing something about kids :)

I definitely find for myself that sometimes sleep is the only cure for moods like that! XD Glad you're feeling better about it all.

A lot of your friends aren't having kids, so don't feel like you're falling behind. Also when they have the kids they'll be tired and stressed and never have time to do anything, which you won't have to deal with that for a while.

The whole pressure society puts on you to procreate is stupid anyway. It's like getting married and having kids asap is the expected trajectory of everyone's life. I really think it's ridiculous and you shouldn't let that get you down or make you feel like you're somehow lesser if you don't.

I'm not feeling the pressure from society. Rather, I actually want to have a baby growing in me, then to hold it and care for it, nurture it and see it grow. I want to be involved in bringing up a lil' James or Kat. The kids I know now are GREAT and I love them, even when they're crying and have poopy nappies. I want one for me too :). I know that it'll be super super hard, but I believe it'll be worth it.

But you're right about "you shouldn't [...] make you feel like you're somehow lesser if you don't". If it turns out we can't have kids, I'm scared I'm going to feel that way.

Yeah but you're 24-25. You have a whole ton of time to do that. There's really really no hurry. Enjoy your freedom for a while longer and get your life exactly where you want it to be before you have to worry about someone else's.

I totally hear you - weddings especially do get to me still, and babies sometimes do too. Glad you're feeling a bit better though? *hugs*

definitely feeling better!! :D

"When I was single, I had a hard time at weddings. Although I was happy for my friends, I wanted that happiness for me too. I wanted to be getting married, to have companionship and love. So weddings were bittersweet for me.

Yep. That sums up how I feel these days. Especially after my broken engagement.

It'll be different when I find someone again as I had before. I miss that companionship. That putting your arms around each other's waists.

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