Thing #1 that's made me sad this week: Teaching.
I've been sick and had lots of time off because of it. One of the deputies spoke to me on Thursday to suggest ways to be a team player and help out those teachers who had to work harder in my absence. That's all good and fine, except that when they're sick, I'll assume I'll pick up their slack then. I already have picked up slack from other teachers, just not *those* particular teachers who picked up my slack. So that feels stressful on top of everything else I'm trying to juggle. My job isn't the busiest, hardest, most difficult. But it's hard for me. And I'm trying really hard to be good at it and on the ball.
Reports are due next week and I have to write a comment for every student I take for science. I wasn't sure whether I was meant to be writing a comment or not (or just assigning a grade). The teachers weren't sure. One of the deupties wasn't sure. I asked another deputy and they didn't know either. The kicker though was when they told me HOW to ask someone else. I should ask like a team player and not like I'm trying to get out of writing comments. I was a bit taken aback by that. I thought I was asking in a casually professional manner, leaving it open either way. So I apologised for coming across as unprofessional and they responded saying that I HADN'T but I should still make sure I don't. Anyway, this advice just leaves me confused. Why give me this advice if I'm already doing it properly?
So work is making me sad and stressed. I'm trying really hard to do this well, but all the feedback I've gotten from the leadership is that I'm not doing it well enough. Which makes me more stressed. On top of reports. And everything else I'm still trying to get a hang of.
Thing #2 that's made me sad this week: Bible study.
Recently in Bible study, things have come up that are a difference between myself and the other Christians. These discussion have made me sad. I'm trying to see what I can learn from them and how my life might be lacking. But when I did that, I started questioning the foundation on my faith. Do I really have a spiritual journey that I'm on? Am I actually seeking a relationship with God?
The fact of the matter is that I AM! I just don't use that kind of language. I really don't care for phrasing things that way. But talking that way all the time, feeling like no one is on my wavelength, not being understood is alienating. I really don't want to continue actually. But I know that's a dud idea too.
- There was a Sunday School meeting today that no one turned up for.
+ I made a lemon tea cake for the meeting and it's yummy.
+ Being in our house is nice. We've gotten jobs done and I'm feeling better and better about each day. I was grumpy about the mess, but now I am happy for the organisation taking place.
- Being sad about Bible study has made me thankful for what I know/have. I'm relying on God more than the fellowship there. Which is a double edged sword.
- Today I woke up sick. AGAIN. I think it's because of all this stress.
+ We are taking care of a kitten and she's SO cute
+ Attius will be with us again soon. Possibly in 10ih days.
+ We have a routine at home these days, and that's very nice
I'm thinking of doing a short post every day on the topic of "something that makes me thankful today". So today I'm thankful for:
Cake. Tidy house. Kittens. James. Routine.
Jesus bearing my sin. Hope in the Gospel. Belonging to Him.