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etimodnar

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And Then There Was Silence


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etimodnar

Things That Have Made Me Sad This Week and Thankfulness.

I am sad. The start of term started off well. But now I am sad.

Thing #1 that's made me sad this week: Teaching.
I've been sick and had lots of time off because of it. One of the deputies spoke to me on Thursday to suggest ways to be a team player and help out those teachers who had to work harder in my absence. That's all good and fine, except that when they're sick, I'll assume I'll pick up their slack then. I already have picked up slack from other teachers, just not *those* particular teachers who picked up my slack. So that feels stressful on top of everything else I'm trying to juggle. My job isn't the busiest, hardest, most difficult. But it's hard for me. And I'm trying really hard to be good at it and on the ball.

Reports are due next week and I have to write a comment for every student I take for science. I wasn't sure whether I was meant to be writing a comment or not (or just assigning a grade). The teachers weren't sure. One of the deupties wasn't sure. I asked another deputy and they didn't know either. The kicker though was when they told me HOW to ask someone else. I should ask like a team player and not like I'm trying to get out of writing comments. I was a bit taken aback by that. I thought I was asking in a casually professional manner, leaving it open either way. So I apologised for coming across as unprofessional and they responded saying that I HADN'T but I should still make sure I don't. Anyway, this advice just leaves me confused. Why give me this advice if I'm already doing it properly?

So work is making me sad and stressed. I'm trying really hard to do this well, but all the feedback I've gotten from the leadership is that I'm not doing it well enough. Which makes me more stressed. On top of reports. And everything else I'm still trying to get a hang of.

Thing #2 that's made me sad this week: Bible study.
Recently in Bible study, things have come up that are a difference between myself and the other Christians. These discussion have made me sad. I'm trying to see what I can learn from them and how my life might be lacking. But when I did that, I started questioning the foundation on my faith. Do I really have a spiritual journey that I'm on? Am I actually seeking a relationship with God?

The fact of the matter is that I AM! I just don't use that kind of language. I really don't care for phrasing things that way. But talking that way all the time, feeling like no one is on my wavelength, not being understood is alienating. I really don't want to continue actually. But I know that's a dud idea too.

Other things:
- There was a Sunday School meeting today that no one turned up for.
+ I made a lemon tea cake for the meeting and it's yummy.
+ Being in our house is nice. We've gotten jobs done and I'm feeling better and better about each day. I was grumpy about the mess, but now I am happy for the organisation taking place.
- Being sad about Bible study has made me thankful for what I know/have. I'm relying on God more than the fellowship there. Which is a double edged sword.
- Today I woke up sick. AGAIN. I think it's because of all this stress.
+ We are taking care of a kitten and she's SO cute
+ Attius will be with us again soon. Possibly in 10ih days.
+ We have a routine at home these days, and that's very nice

I'm thinking of doing a short post every day on the topic of "something that makes me thankful today". So today I'm thankful for:
Cake. Tidy house. Kittens. James. Routine.
Jesus bearing my sin. Hope in the Gospel. Belonging to Him.


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Oh, Kat. *hugs* *more hugs*

"Why give me this advice if I'm already doing it properly?" Because some people are like that, unfortunately. They don't trust people. If there's any possibility that it can spit back in their own faces, they run around "double checking" things that don't need to be double checked and forgetting that it hurts people in the process, sometimes. It can suck, I know, but ultimately, it is their problem and not yours (not that that helps much, I'm sure, but it's true).

Would it also be worth initiating a conversation with the teachers who have helped you this time, specifically thanking them for picking up your slack, asking how they found it in general and what things you could do to make it easier for anyone who has to cover your back next time? I know it's not something you should have to do, but in terms of being the most effective thing you can do to reduce your own stress? If everyone feels you had done everything you could, then it might be worth bringing it up with your supervisor, and/or the deputy in question (personally, I would speak to the supervisor first, because it might have been them who said something to the deputy and I'd want to clear the air with the supervisor first).

It sounds like a bit of yelling at and thumping your pillow might perhaps be helpful here? Because it doesn't sound like something that should be making you sad, it sounds like something that should be making you angry, honestly. Your entry, to me, doesn't read like you feel heartbroken (sad), it reads like you feel empty. Which is what happens when anger goes inward, it becomes depression (feeling empty, with a sort of sadness that's not the same as sad), and it's lonely and unhealthy there so I don't want you to feel that way. *hugs*

Sounds like bible study is causing the same thing in you, so it double-sucks that that's going on a) at all, b) now. Btw, you're not 'seeking' a relationship with God, you HAVE a relationship with God that is growing every day :D Kat, I've known you for a long time and I know that you do. I know that you do. Do you want me to pray for you or for the people in your bible study group?

Glad you're settling into the house and that James is supporting you. Sorry you're so sick, I hope you feel better soon xx

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