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And Then There Was Silence

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Blessed be your name / It is well, with my soul

Sometimes, at the least expected moments, I just burn with jealousy. This is not cool. I'm happy with what I have. I love my family, I love God (He certainly knows for sure just how much), but every now and then... BAM! jealousy. And I'll be sitting here, la di da, then all of a sudden, every thing's not ok. I'm all bitter and twisted inside. Whoever I'm jealous of, I want the bad things in my life to happen to them. And I want their good blessings.

Thank God that I'm saved by grace hey? Because I would be a complete mess if I weren't. The things I think in my head sometimes, and the things I feel, are sometimes the most depraved evil things ever!

I guess I am a bit unhappy with my situation at the moment. Incredibly recently, God has asked me to give something very big up in my life for His sake. And I've been telling him that I don't want to do that. That is makes me upset. That I wish it could be otherwise. And God gives me some comfort. But it's hard yeah? Lisa said at work "doesn't God just want you to be happy?" And I didn't answer it, but I thought about it in my head for a while. I've come to the conclusion that people who say that, have no concept of God at all! Besides picturing God as a floaty bit of gladwrap who honestly couldn't give a damn about anyone!

But that isn't my God at all. My God is powerful, alive, active in this world, and is coming to bring judgment down on all the Earth when Jesus returns. That's something he's promised to do. Right now, he's being gracious and merciful by giving us all time to repent and turn back to him. But that time wont last forever. While he's given me that time, I want to turn to him now, I want to love and follow him. Which, unfortunately for me, means sacrifices. Sacrificing things so that they wont hinder me in my worship of him. So that my heart isn't hardened. So that people can see that God's will is working in me.

But right now, it's hard. It's so hard. And I'm failing just as often as I'm succeeding. It seems every time I take a step forward, I take two steps back. But I'm not too discouraged at the moment. I've cried (hopefully most) of my tears, I've had my depression. I'm pressing on towards the goal. But every now and then, one of my steps back, is to see how good some of my other Christian brothers and sisters have it, and be jealous of them.

God is working his purpose in me. It's a hard work. When I come out the other end, I'm confident that I'll be an even better Christian. Able to sympathise with people going through the same struggles, able to help them, able to have a killer testimony! (lol) Able to teach youth group again. Hopefully have a fuller and deeper understanding of the Bible, and God's purpose for this world and His people. Hopefully be able to love my brothers and sisters in Christ in ways that I couldn't before. That is what I'm striving for. But right now, it's still hard. And I probably have more tears to cry. Do any of you have any idea how hard this is? Maybe... but I'm probably blind to it because your lives look pretty good from this perspective.

By the way, for the other Christians reading this blog. Last time I posted much on this same topic, I got no feedback. One of the great encouragements I receive, is when I get feedback. So please? comment?

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Let's face it, your God wants to to be happy, there's short-term happy and then there's long-term happy. He knows what's best for you, ne?

yeah true. But in most circumstances that's said, it's only ever short term happiness. The kind where you flit from one happiness to the next. God doesn't want that.
Like, "aw Kat, go out with Gene, he'd make you happy, I'm sure that God just wants you to be happy"
God says, "If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it; and whoever loses his life for my sake, he will save it." Luke 9:23-24

oh, and I'm not trying to be defensive, nor am I attacking what you've said. I'm just trying to explain so anyone who reads will better understands.

yeah, last time we had a conversation that followed this flow, you seemed to think I was getting all jumpy. But I'm not. :) Just clarifying that.


Yeah, that's what I meant.

I admire your honesty mate.

One of the reasons I'm a lapsed-christian, is that I just never could make the sacrifices that God requires.

Is my life better without Him? Nope. Why don't I accept Him into my life again? *shrugs*

Being a Christian is not easy. I searched for some appropriate scripture, and this I think is appropriate: "Straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." Matthew 7:14

Being a Christian is not easy

heh heh
perfect "ORLY?" moment

Why don't I accept Him into my life again? *shrugs*
*poke poke*


I guess... I don't know. Often I'm afraid to comment with advice or encouragement because I feel like it would be hypocritical- I'm going through the same struggles.

I... just want you to know that you're not alone. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I hope that we can both forget what is behind us and press forward to what is ahead. <3

But isn't it encouraging to know that you're not the only one going through it? Misery loves company after all. lol

But, thank you. *hug* Please don't feel hypocritical, it comes with being a Christian doesn't it? heh heh

Well do you know the original of the song "It is well with my soul"? For those who don't know, this old hymn writer happened to tragically lose his daughters in a ship wreck. Some time later when he was on a boat that was travelling over the exact spot of the wreck he went to his cabin and wrote "when peace like a river attendeth my way/ when sorrows like sea billows roll/ whatever my lot/Thou hast taught me to say/it is well, it is well with my soul."
I think it makes ur faith more real and genuine, like you have real answers if you do suffer and make it through. Keep going, *encouragement* and *sympathy*

Yes, I've known that story since forever. It makes me love the song more knowing all that. A few weeks after writing it, he himself died too.

mm right on the ball with red dress here.. I fully empathise with you, ie, I've been having the same dillemmas since about 2000.. Stay strong.

Kat I'm so encouraged by the fact that you strive to put God's will first in your life, and you're willing to make sacrifices.

I know what it feels like to struggle with sin - if you're a Christian, and you're wanting to live for God, you're going to struggle! There's no way out!

But yeah, it will make you better able to help others later on, and it will make you stronger. I know I've had a pretty blessed life, but I know that sooner or later, big trials will come, and then you'll be able to help me!

So go for it! I'm praying for you :) *hugs*

Giving up for God

I've just read your blog, and want to encourage you to give up the thing God is asking of you.
It is painfully hard (I know!) but you will feel so free and blessed because you have obeyed Him.
I've proved over and over again, that God's way is the best way.
You will notice in the old Testament and also in the New, that God doesn't like mixtures.
His way is pure, and when you have given up the thing, you will feel so free and right and pure too.
Ask Him for the wisdom you need, and for the strength to obey Him. If it's about a guy, leave him to
the Lord to deal with, but get yourself free. You will both be better off, believe it or not!
With love in our wonderful Lord -Chris-60+ Mum

Re: Giving up for God

You will both be better off, believe it or not!

yeah, I know. But when in the thick of it, it doesn't seem that way. It gets easier with time and prayer. Prayer more so. *grin*

A friend told me, that with sin, the best thing to do is take it out the back and shoot it. There isn't any half way ground with God and sin.

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