Kat (etimodnar) wrote,

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Blessed be your name / It is well, with my soul

Sometimes, at the least expected moments, I just burn with jealousy. This is not cool. I'm happy with what I have. I love my family, I love God (He certainly knows for sure just how much), but every now and then... BAM! jealousy. And I'll be sitting here, la di da, then all of a sudden, every thing's not ok. I'm all bitter and twisted inside. Whoever I'm jealous of, I want the bad things in my life to happen to them. And I want their good blessings.

Thank God that I'm saved by grace hey? Because I would be a complete mess if I weren't. The things I think in my head sometimes, and the things I feel, are sometimes the most depraved evil things ever!

I guess I am a bit unhappy with my situation at the moment. Incredibly recently, God has asked me to give something very big up in my life for His sake. And I've been telling him that I don't want to do that. That is makes me upset. That I wish it could be otherwise. And God gives me some comfort. But it's hard yeah? Lisa said at work "doesn't God just want you to be happy?" And I didn't answer it, but I thought about it in my head for a while. I've come to the conclusion that people who say that, have no concept of God at all! Besides picturing God as a floaty bit of gladwrap who honestly couldn't give a damn about anyone!

But that isn't my God at all. My God is powerful, alive, active in this world, and is coming to bring judgment down on all the Earth when Jesus returns. That's something he's promised to do. Right now, he's being gracious and merciful by giving us all time to repent and turn back to him. But that time wont last forever. While he's given me that time, I want to turn to him now, I want to love and follow him. Which, unfortunately for me, means sacrifices. Sacrificing things so that they wont hinder me in my worship of him. So that my heart isn't hardened. So that people can see that God's will is working in me.

But right now, it's hard. It's so hard. And I'm failing just as often as I'm succeeding. It seems every time I take a step forward, I take two steps back. But I'm not too discouraged at the moment. I've cried (hopefully most) of my tears, I've had my depression. I'm pressing on towards the goal. But every now and then, one of my steps back, is to see how good some of my other Christian brothers and sisters have it, and be jealous of them.

God is working his purpose in me. It's a hard work. When I come out the other end, I'm confident that I'll be an even better Christian. Able to sympathise with people going through the same struggles, able to help them, able to have a killer testimony! (lol) Able to teach youth group again. Hopefully have a fuller and deeper understanding of the Bible, and God's purpose for this world and His people. Hopefully be able to love my brothers and sisters in Christ in ways that I couldn't before. That is what I'm striving for. But right now, it's still hard. And I probably have more tears to cry. Do any of you have any idea how hard this is? Maybe... but I'm probably blind to it because your lives look pretty good from this perspective.

By the way, for the other Christians reading this blog. Last time I posted much on this same topic, I got no feedback. One of the great encouragements I receive, is when I get feedback. So please? comment?
Tags: bible, breakup: gc, christian, god, jesus, suffering
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